I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
