is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
