I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize