in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
