Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Randomize