I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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