ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
