meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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