it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
