Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
