They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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