That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
