A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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