so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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