Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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