I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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