Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
