I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She has the best kind of daddy issues
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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