U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
