I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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