I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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