If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
