How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize