I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
