Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
