cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
