chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
