some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize