He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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