I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
