she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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