A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
