we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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