You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize