His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
