Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
