i just wanna soil my oats bro
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
