Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
