I understand Curling. That high.
We left an ass print on the piano.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
