well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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