i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
