Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
