So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
