my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
