My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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