You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We're too hungover to prance.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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