May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
