I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
