I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
