I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
How external is "for external use only"?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
my liver is dry heaving
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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