after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You smell like stripper and shame
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
