if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
