I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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