You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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