Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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