i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he fucked my hip out of place.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Randomize