Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
